Friday, June 14, 2013

Over You

"Even though I can't touch your face, I feel you with me everyday and I wish you could see all my dreams coming true."

My beautiful angel graced me with her presence when I was born. There isnt a memory I have that doesnt have her in it. She was my grandmother, my mother, my teacher, my coach, my cheerleader. She raised us. She was there since DAY ONE and always made sure we were taken care of.

Gramma taught me that you work hard for what you get and you pray about EVERYTHING. Pray through hard times, through good times, to give thanks, etc. Everything you do, you pray about it. She was a woman of God and always treated everyone equally. She would wake up at 5 AM every morning to pray. Pray for an hour, then make my sisters and I our oatmeal breakfast then take us outside to wait for our schoolbus. We would wave goodbye to her as she stood on the sidewalk watching the bus round the corner up the road, then she would always be in the EXACT same spot when we got off the bus.

Summertime, she would always wash the laundry and the homemade blankets she made herself from a million different patches of materials she had saved for ages. She never let anything go to waste. She would always wear her pretty homemade "muu'muu" and sit outside in the shade and watch us play while singing along to her Samoan tapes, teaching us the songs. As we sang and laughed, she would dance and smile her sweet little wrinkled smile.

As she got older, the laundry became less. The dancing and singing became less...

In and out of hospitals due to her deteriorating health was completely heartbreaking. It was the hardest thing seeing someone you love so much, seeing someone that is so close to you, someone who raised you, in so much pain.

[There are details that I will not, nor will I ever, publically post.]

The real point is- I miss her. I wish she was here. Im glad that she got the chance to see me grow up and meet my little girl for the first 5 years of her life. I miss her being in her room, with her pretty pictures everywhere, Samoan tapes playing and the site of her sitting on her bed in her sundress sewing or reading her Bible. I hit my knees and tell God how much I hurt but there's nothing left of my heart.

 It has been hard to make the new start without her in our lives. When someone you love dies, you don't lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time; like how the mail stops coming. What I remember most to this day was Gramma's scent. How I hated it when it began to disappear and how it no longer lingers. First from her closets, then from her dresses she had sewn herself and then finally from her bedsheets and pillow cases. Its too painful for both of us. For as much as I loved her, I know that everyone else loved/loves her just as much.

"Over You" is the toughest song I can ever listen to. Lyrics explain how everything happened:

"Mid-February shouldn’t be so scary. It was only December; I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me..." We lost her in February and Decemeber was our last Christmas with her til the day after Christmas, her health got worse.

"Your favorite records make me feel better cause you sing along with every song. I know you didn’t mean to give them... to me."

I miss her voice and her records and tapes...

"It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone...You went away, how dare you- I miss you. They say I'll be ok but I'm not going to ever get... Over You." -Miranda Lambert.

My Grandmother, My Angel. Been there for us since day one and she is the strongest woman I've ever met. Im better for having known her and I'll always be proud to call her my grandma. To "Baby," I love you so much.

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