I'm No Stranger to the Rain - So Fire Away

Being happy is a very personal thing and it really has nothing to do with anyone else.

Do you always feel happy? Do you always feel completely put together?

Do you always feel like everything will be alright?

I know I sure as hell don't. "I'm no Stranger to the Rain, I'm a friend of thunder - Friend, is it any wonder lightning strikes me?" It's a constant struggle and for realsies - It's something that I battle with on a daily basis. I try, Lord, I try. I know I wasn't built to be a "Negative Nancy" but when life's stresses and imperfections attack me, its honest to God - my default.

Now mind you, I know already that "life is too short" to feel unhappy, or feel angry, or sad, or anxious or feel down and when you're down, feel down right depressed...

I'm for the most part, a very private person. Always have been. I am very extroverted and can match wits with anyone in town. I can meet someone and even though I've never met them, I can become their friend. On the outside, I've always been a very outgoing person but on the inside, I've always kept everything else private.

With that being said, I've never disclosed to anyone outside of my friends or family that I suffer from anxiety, slight Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), Insomnia and Sleep Apnea, Bipolar Disorder and Depression.

Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder and Depression has been my biggest struggle. That battlefield is the most never-ending place. It's been dark, gloomy and even very scary at times. A person suffering from Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety combined is probably one of the most spiratic, and up and down person you'll meet. They can't help it.

Not that it's an excuse really, but it is something that must be considered in certain situations. Any little thing can trigger a feeling of hopelessness, sadness, and unhappiness. All they (and I) can ask for from friends and loved ones is to offer constant support, love and always hold them when their down - even when they don't want it.

These disorders are mental health issues that are sometimes earned when something traumatic has happened to them or in most cases, it's inherited by family history. Loved ones should always watch for signs as the person struggling with the disorder cannot always be treated by just medications. Counseling and positive attitudes can help.


Even though these disorders are emotional health disorders, they can also trigger physical health issues. Someone dealing with emotional health can start neglecting their physical health due to their emotions like lack of nutrition, lack of personal self care, or worse, harming themselves by self mutilation or want to harm themselves in a way they can't take back later because it's too late.

I know that no one has lived or is living a perfect life. Every family, couple or individual has their problems, unhealthy vices or skeletons in their closets that you hide in front of everyone. Whatever you choose to call them, it can only be a matter of time before your conditions surface. Our mental illnesses or disorders affects how we think, feel and act.

Suffering from mental illness and depression is like constantly battling trying to mask pain with alcohol or other drugs - One's a devil, one keeps driving you insane, at times you can wonder if they aren't both the same. Then you turn around and see that now one's a liar that helps hide you from your pain and the other is a long hard bitter truth that you don't want to accept. You hurt yourself to see if you still feel. Again, its a dark, eerie and sometimes scary place that you can't get out of, but when there's an opportunity to fix it, you're so far gone that you don't want to. You become numb to the isolation.

Some days hurt more than others. You want to do nothing but hide from the world. In your bed, you sleep for days on end and wake up and have no recollection or feeling for the time that has passed, the responsibilities you had to pass on to someone else or that while you're locking away from everything and everyone, the world is still turning.

Your emotions go from extremely happy and in love with life to unbearably, deeply saddened and all that heals is your vices of a bottle of Jack Daniels, cigarettes and the hardwood floor you cried yourself to sleep on. Your bottle is all dressed up in a pretty black label, like sweet salvation on the dining room table waiting for when you get numb and meet your lonely, hidden stage. Your skin hurts, even to the gentlest touch, and what you feel is left of your heart is in your stomach and your stomach is in knots. The feelings and thoughts of wishing you were the Tin Man cross your mind. You see him in the movies wishing he had a heart but how you wish you could give him yours. Reality being, the Tin Man doesn't know how lucky he is cause if he ever felt one breaking, he'd never want a heart. He isn't missing anything cause life and love are so damn hard. If he traded you his armor for your heart and feelings - happy and sad - he could have it.

You feel reckless, tangled in your messes, your own chaos. "You can throw the line but can't reel it in. You can throw the darts but not make them stick. You can write the lines but not sing the song. You'll always call your mama but you won't go "home." You don't give two shits no more - so you say." Cause deep down, you really don't because what difference would it make? You don't have the nerves to use your heart in anything because your worthless, hopeless and sad feelings overpower everything else. You just give up and the bird that you were flying south for the winter, just kept flying more and more south and you lose sight on where or what you're even doing anymore...

- ALWAYS KNOW THE 5 SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL SUFFERING- 

1. Personality Change - The personality changes. The person does not feel like themselves. You may notice sudden or gradual changes in the way that someone typically behaves. He or she may behave in ways that don't seem to fit the person's values, or the person may just seem different.

2. Agitation - The person can or will get uncharacteristically angry, anxious, agitated or moody. You may notice the person has more frequent problems controlling his or her temper and seems irritable or unable to calm down. People in more extreme extreme situations of this kind may be unable to sleep or may explode in anger at a minor problem.

3. Withdrawal - The person will withdraw or isolate themselves from other people. Someone who used to be socially engaged may pull away from family and friends and stop taking part in activities he or she used to enjoy. In more sever cases, the person may start failing to make it to work or school. Not to be confused with the behavior of someone who is more introverted, this sign is marked by a change in someone's typical sociability, as when someone pulls away from the social support he or she typically has.

4. Poor Self Care - The person with stop taking care of themselves and may engage in dangerous or risky behavior. You may notice a change in the person's level of personal care or an act of poor judgement on his or her part. For instance, someone may let his or her personal hygiene deteriorate, or the person may start abusing alcohol or illicit substances or engaging in other self-destructive behavior that may alienate loved ones.

5. Hopelessness - The person wills seem overcome with hopelessness and overwhelmed by their circumstances. Have you noticed someone who used to be optimistic and now can't find anything to be happy or hopeful about? That person may be suffering from extreme or prolonged grief, or feelings of worthlessness or guilt. People in this situation may say that the world would be better off without them, suggesting suicidal feelings or thinking.

At this moment, I feel okay, this moment is heavy. Like a caged bird that's barely set free, so forgive me - I'm finding my wings.

"You can learn to love anything, even a bird in a cage will sing a song. Even if it's wrong, even if it kills you in the end. You can learn to love anything, a prison wall, a ball and chain - anything can bring you pleasure. Even pain. So pick your Poison." -George Strait.

If you or a loved one are suffering for mental illness/ emotional suffering, take the pledge in The Campaign to Change Direction at www.changedirection.org

xoxoxo,
-S

*Featured Lyrics: "I'm No Stranger to the Rain" by Keith Whitley. I'm No Stranger to the Rain, Written by Ron Hellard and Sonny Curtis is the fifth and final single from Whitley's "Don't Close Your Eyes" 1989 album, the last during Whitley's lifetime. (C) 1989  RCA Records Nashville, a distribution of Sony Music Nashville. Keith Whitley appears courtesy of RCA Records Nashville until his untimely death in May 1989.

*Featured Lyrics: "Use My Heart" by Miranda Lambert. Use My Heart, Written by Miranda Lambert, Ashley Monroe and Waylon Payne is the twelfth track on Disc One of Lambert's 2017 ACM and CMA winning, sixth studio album, "The Weight of These Wings." (C) 2016 RCA Records Nashville, a distribution of Sony Music Nashville. Miranda Lambert appears courtesy of RCA Records Nashville. 

*Featured Video: "Fire Away" by Chris Stapleton. Fire Away, Written by Chris Stapleton and Danny Green is featured as the second track on Stapleton's Certified Gold studio album, "Traveler." (C) 2016 Mercury Records, a Division of UMG Recordings, Inc. Chris Stapleton appears courtesy of Mercury Nashville. 

*Featured Lyrics: "Poison" by George Strait. Poison, Written by Allan Shamblin and Chuck Cannon is featured as the fourth track on Strait's 27th studio album, "Here For a Good Time." (C)  2011 MCA Nashville, a Division of UMG Recordings, Inc. George Strait appears courtesy of MCA Records.

Pushin' Time

After a couple months of writing hiatus, I am back to share more life with you readers. I apologize for the break but SO MUCH has happened in the time that has passed and I haven't had much time to keep you updated. Well, here we go!

Since last posting about the love triangle I always found myself in as a child, I am now here creating another triangle. A triangle that my daughter has now found herself in. But I am happy to say that this triangle is one full of love for her and she understands how much she is loved and cared for. 

Adding to the "crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful beautiful life" we had, that "almost magic" shined some love on us. Baby Girl and I gained a special man into our lives as more than just Mommy's friend. 

Well, I never looked at this photo and what it captured closely enough, but looking at it now, I see what was truly photographed. Back when this photo was taken, this man and I were just friends. Just friends that turned into the best friends. I was told that you could see an unborn chemistry between us and that maybe time would tell what would happen between the two of us. Here we were, 6 years later, and this man was not just my best friend anymore.

Last July, I hadn't seen him in awhile but we had talked daily so I had just shot him a text and said, "Hey, what are you up to, you should meet Baby Girl and I for lunch." He accepted and met us for lunch. Now, mind you I always heard he had feelings for me but we never acknowledged them. Mainly because I was too busy flying by the seat of my pants to settle down and thought everyone was bluffing. I knew what I wanted but was too busy being young, wild spirited and well, an idiot to even just settle it down and make him talk to me about it. 

Well this handsome man shows up and we make eye contact walking towards each other, but just when he smiled at me, I lose my breath. Why? What was this feeling that had come over me? Why was I losing my mind and for the first time, I freeze and not know what to do? 

I'll tell you why.

Because in that very moment, I knew that I wanted him and no one else. 

He proceeds to say "hello" and we hug. Ok, now that hug sealed the deal. The way he approached me. The way he held me when he hugged me. The way I felt so complete in his arms. THAT'S the exact moment that I knew I not only wanted him, I needed him. 

We proceed to have a great lunch together and then after I got home, I felt it was completely necessary to make him talk to me about this chemistry. I needed to know if he still felt it. If he still had feelings for me more than friends like I was now mutually feeling. I needed to know if there was still and ever a chance we could explore the option of being together... I. JUST. HAD. TO. KNOW. I was not going to let this man get away from me again. 

And I say 'again' because a few months prior, this man had briefly dated someone. Well,even though I was not right in my mind and seeing someone else as well, it still infuriated me that he was with someone. Now I realize that it's not fair of me to be upset because he was with someone, while he has seen me in 2 relationships in our 6 years of friendship, but this one really got to me. Like it was a real thing that I could lose him. I was not about that life. 

Much to my surprise, he tells me that he was over the moon about spending time together and that he'd be honored to see where this goes. 

So after a month or so of being crazy busy with our careers, we fall off the radar with talking, texting or whatever. I wasn't having it. I was serious about not losing him this time. If I ever had a chance, the chance was now... So, I texted him. I demanded that if we were going to spend time together for this, then we're doing it. We were going to make time, damn it. Who knew if I was so assertive about it, it would persuade him to say "Ok, we are."

We spent some time together and went on numerous dates over the next month and after dealing with a stressful matter, we were sitting together one fall night and I told him that I was happy with how things were going. He was thrilled and that was the night we decided we were going to live this life together, side by side, hand in hand.

We have been through so many things in our friendship and we are both proud to say that we've never even gotten into a fight for any reason. This man has been my best friend over the years and has always had mine and my daughter's best interests at heart. No matter what life throws at us, we always take a second to cherish the little things. All the stress, worries and heartaches of the world go away when we are all together. 

I still can't wrap my head around what he sees in me, nor does he about me in him, but seeing each other smile makes us happier than the other will ever realize. We might get tired, stressed or sad... But knowing we have each other's back no matter what, we will always be able to pull through. I'm so blessed to have him as not only my best friend, but my partner. We have started a new chapter in our friendship and we are beyond excited to see what the pages of our story will tell.

"They say only time can tell, but you already know me well. If it has to end in tears, I hope it's in sixty years." -Miranda Lambert.

xoxoxo,
-s

Love Triangle

"Some Mama's and Daddies are loving in a straight line, take 'forever' to heart and then take a long sweet ride; 
but some Mama's and Daddies let their heart strings tear and tangle.
And some Mama's and Daddies run out of love in '94 and some Mama's and Daddies don't even talk no more; 
and some Mama's and Daddies let their heart strings tear and tangle.

And some of us get stuck, yeah some of grow up in a Love Triangle."
-RaeLynn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I truly wish I was the one to write this song, it hits extremely close to home – the childhood homes I grew up in. It’s so raw, full of emotion and gives you the reality of growing up as the child of divorced parents.

As a kid of divorce, it can hurt at times when the whole point of family is to be a unit with both parents, making memories together. When your parents are divorced, it’s just not that way. You have two bedrooms, two Christmases, two sets of parents, two sets of siblings, pretty much two of everything. Two very separate lives, completely different from the other. 

As a kid, my Pop lived 3 hours away and would pick me up every other Friday and drop me off on Sunday. Every Sunday, I remember myself, as well as my Pop, getting a little sad, emotional and teary eyed because we wouldn't get to see each other for two whole weeks. I wouldn't get to go on those special outdoor adventures, or smell the scent of car oil that was stained into his clothes, or go the Fast Stop and pick up bean and cheese burritos that we both have a weakness for. 

My Pop and I had some tough times, and sometimes I think he hated that I was getting old enough to realize it and I think he hated it even more when he knew that I knew we didn't have much - like I did at my Mama's. I never said anything. I never asked for anything. I knew it tore him up at the time that he worked so hard to make a poor man's dollar, but he offered me everything he possibly could. Even though I was just a little girl, I knew that money couldn't ever buy my time with him and that I wanted to be there more than anything.

Now, 2 weeks may not sound that long, but when you're a little girl and live 287 miles from your Daddy, that seems like eons - an eternity could pass by while you're dying to see someone you love as much as you love your Daddy. After all, a Daddy is every little girl's first hero. 

Now, that's not to say that I didn't miss my Mama every second I was away from her. Even though I was hunting, fishing, working on cars, riding horses and dirt bikes, or swimming in the pool or the river, I still cried for my Mama. There were times even then, even though I loved my Pop to pieces and completely adored him, I idolized my mother and wanted to see and be with her. I wanted her there with me and at times, I couldn't understand for the life of me why she couldn't be. I ached horribly for her, because it was hard not to see her, especially when I lived with her for 9 months out of the year. I wanted her there. To have her sing, "You Are My Sunshine" to me, to sit on the edge of my bed and brush my hair across my forehead with her gentle fingers while she watched me sleep. For me to wake up to her doing so by the smell of her perfume in the air.

The pains of wanting both parents with you at all times was always like fighting tooth and nail. When I was a toddler until about the age of 6 or 7, I could never figure out why I couldn't have both parents with me. It was either "Mommy's turn" or "Daddy's turn." I could never understand why it couldn't be "Both your turn at the same time." I would sit and wonder why Daddy was always gone or why he had to live somewhere else. Then once I started school, it was hard to understand why the other children got to have both their parents living with them and why they got to be with both their parents for every event in their lives, but I couldn't. I couldn't wrap my little mind around that. I would have loved to have my Pop there in the audience during school choir concerts, in the stands for softball games, or there during paint nights. And sure, I wanted my Mama to see my big splashes off the rope swing into the river and yes, I wanted her to see how I could saddle up and gallop away into the sunset filled pastures, or see how I could check the oil and change a car battery by myself. The things one parent misses out on because they are sharing time with the child they share with the other...

It may be hard for the parents, but to the child, it's a million times worse. Playing the middle man like the baseball from the pitcher to the catcher, from the catcher back to the pitcher... Constantly. In the middle of everything - the smiles, the tears, and even worse... the fights.

As I mentioned before, as a kid, my Pop lived 3 hours away and would pick me up every other Friday and drop me off on Sunday. When I became a mother, I wanted the best for my daughter and didn't want her to feel the things I did not seeing my Dad when I was with my Mom, or not seeing my Mom when I was with my Dad.

Unfortunately, life happens. People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out. That's really hard, but that's the reality of it, and that's the normal for a lot of kids in divorced homes. They have to split their time and split their love. It really isn't that fair, but it's a lot of our 'normality' and a hell of a lot of our truth is in that.

As a small child, I wondered for the longest times what I had done wrong. I had endlessly wondered, "Am I being punished? Is this what happens when you aren't a good girl? That your parents fight and yell and scream at each other? That one of them packs up all their belongings and moves to another house?"

I didn't know it then, but looking back at it now, the answer is: No.

It is never a child's fault that two parents get a divorce. It is never really anyone's fault, but sadly, the child is the one who suffers the most from its outcome. I told myself that if I ever found myself in a situation where my child's father and I didn't work out, that I would let her and her Daddy have free game on when they wanted to see each other.

If he just happened to have the day off unexpectedly and wanted to come get her - Done.
If she woke up one morning and said, "I want to go to Daddy's today," - Done.
If they wanted to see each other but it's not "his" weekend yet - Done.

I never wanted - nor do I ever want - my child(ren) to ever feel like they have to fight to see their other parent. I never want them to feel as unhappy as I did, feeling like they were being punished or feeling like their heart strings were torn and tangled in our love triangle.

Trying to 'look on the brightside' however, growing up with divorced parents wasn't always bad. Yeah it hurt like hell some times more than other, but it also had some pro's to help balance out the con's. Like I said, you get two of everything. I gained two new parents, some new siblings, and two new gigantic families full of love to the mix. I earned two new families with different traditions, which have instilled into my being. I got to have two birthdays, Christmases, twice the love and most importantly - I got double the support I needed when I was having a hard time with the separation of the other parent. 

Luckily, when my parents remarried, they took "forever to heart and took their long, sweet ride." I can only hope that going forward in this whirlwind of life, that when I "stand at the screendoor and watch my whole world run towards an old Ford" that her father and I can give her all the happiness, love and support that she deserves.  

xoxoxo,

-S

Who I Am

First and foremost, let me just say: Thank you for viewing my page. I'm new to the whole blogging scenario but since my family lives all over the continental US and we don't always get to talk and I seem to be a focus and interest of some friends/relative's attention and well...

Here. I. am!

The whole blogging idea seemed rather 50/50 with and without perks for me cause let's face it. I run out of ideas to write, rant and rave about and I tend to be a VERY private person. I don't really like to broadcast my life on the web but I was a Journalism major in high school, so obviously I liked to write, broadcast, storytell, blah blah blah... In that case, it was a little different because I knew what I was going to or what I was "mandated" to write about. Not so much the case here...

SO. With THAT being said, this post is just gonna be a bunch bullsh!t about me, my life, and my happinesses. (TRY not to get bored!)

 "I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters. Not the mortgage, not the score, not my team and all their bullshit... For those 10 seconds or less, Im free..."

My story is a big chaotic race on this long stretch of highway called "Life."

First off- Forrest Gump taught me a valuable lesson BESIDES the fact that we all know that life is like a box of chocolates... He taught be that "I dont know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floatin around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe its both, maybe its both happening at the same time."

My destiny came to me at age 20. I am a single mother of the most beautiful, most amazing little girl. She is the light of my life, my pride and joy. She is my one and only, once in a lifetime- love. I was scared because I didn't know if I could be a good mom. Life threw me a curve ball when I'm a high and outside, fastball hitter. I made my choices and made my fair share of mistakes but guess what. I'm human. I didn't know it when I had her but I was destined to be her mama. I got the best gift out of it and I couldn't imagine a life without her. I think most of the time, I think I need her more than she needs me. She's a sassy little pistol and has an attitude a country mile wide. Mighty big talk for some little britches. I love watching her grow day by day and every day she learns something new. She's so smart and the funniest little thing. I love her with my whole heart and don't know who or what I would be if she weren't in my life. Thank God for all I've missed cause it lead me here to this.

When I was a kid bee-boppin around, raisin' Cain on horse farms and in a small town with my boy cousins and my mechanic of a dad workin on cars, I realized that wanted to be a NASCAR driver. I have a lead foot, total need for speed- and as all of my dad's side of the family knows (if they didn't, they know now lol) its just in our blood. But then, sadly, I grew up and had to think like a grown up. I learn when I was four years old that while watching 8 Seconds (one of my all time favorite movies) that Lane Frost tells us "Dont be afraid to go after what you want to do and what you want to be, but dont be afraid to be willing to pay the price." But what good ol' Lane didn't say outloud but said through his actions was "you can do what you want to do until it's time to start thinking about what you were MEANT to do." SO- what I was meant to do was going to school for Law Enforcement/ Criminal Justice to become a police officer or homicide detective; but having a small child prevented that from happening. Ya know, that "life" stuff. So I work for a mortgage company and I. LOVE. IT. It is the best job I've ever had and I can't say nothing but positive things about it. So there you have it, a single, full time working mom with no husband. I'll just work my butt off and let love find me later cause 'Ain't nobody got time fo dat!'

I'm a mom. A career woman. A daughter. A grand-daughter. A sister. A niece. A cousin. A friend... I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. I have my dictions, I keep my share of secrets and things you'll never see. I get selfish and defensive and pay too much attention to my insecurities. My heart breaks for the homeless and less fortunate. I worry about my parents. All my bills are late. I laugh at silly movies, tear up when I see babies and I'm stubborn as a stone. I criticize my body, but I'm just like everybody else. I try to love Jesus and myself. I don't know what you believe or what you think of what you see. But this is a part of me, of what I do and who I am. I'm not made of stone, iron and nails, 10 foot tall and bulletproof. I hurt, I cry and I bleed too. All of my impurities are right here on my sleeve. THIS IS ME. Point being, I KNOW who I am and who I am not. I love scuffed up cowboy boots & broke in tore up jeans. A four wheel drive, eight point bucks & Rocky Road ice cream. Hell yes I love my dog and I love Jack D in my Coke.

I'm happy with what I have. I live to love and love to live. My happiness is what I make it. YOU make YOUR OWN happiness based on WHAT YOU need and WANT for your life no matter what ANYBODY says. Never let someone tell you "you can't" or "you aren't good enough." That should tell you more about who they are and what kinda "happy" they are.

I have who I am, I am who my babygirl is, I am who my family is.

What I need and want is this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautiful life. <3