I'm No Stranger to the Rain - So Fire Away

Being happy is a very personal thing and it really has nothing to do with anyone else.

Do you always feel happy? Do you always feel completely put together?

Do you always feel like everything will be alright?

I know I sure as hell don't. "I'm no Stranger to the Rain, I'm a friend of thunder - Friend, is it any wonder lightning strikes me?" It's a constant struggle and for realsies - It's something that I battle with on a daily basis. I try, Lord, I try. I know I wasn't built to be a "Negative Nancy" but when life's stresses and imperfections attack me, its honest to God - my default.

Now mind you, I know already that "life is too short" to feel unhappy, or feel angry, or sad, or anxious or feel down and when you're down, feel down right depressed...

I'm for the most part, a very private person. Always have been. I am very extroverted and can match wits with anyone in town. I can meet someone and even though I've never met them, I can become their friend. On the outside, I've always been a very outgoing person but on the inside, I've always kept everything else private.

With that being said, I've never disclosed to anyone outside of my friends or family that I suffer from anxiety, slight Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), Insomnia and Sleep Apnea, Bipolar Disorder and Depression.

Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder and Depression has been my biggest struggle. That battlefield is the most never-ending place. It's been dark, gloomy and even very scary at times. A person suffering from Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety combined is probably one of the most spiratic, and up and down person you'll meet. They can't help it.

Not that it's an excuse really, but it is something that must be considered in certain situations. Any little thing can trigger a feeling of hopelessness, sadness, and unhappiness. All they (and I) can ask for from friends and loved ones is to offer constant support, love and always hold them when their down - even when they don't want it.

These disorders are mental health issues that are sometimes earned when something traumatic has happened to them or in most cases, it's inherited by family history. Loved ones should always watch for signs as the person struggling with the disorder cannot always be treated by just medications. Counseling and positive attitudes can help.


Even though these disorders are emotional health disorders, they can also trigger physical health issues. Someone dealing with emotional health can start neglecting their physical health due to their emotions like lack of nutrition, lack of personal self care, or worse, harming themselves by self mutilation or want to harm themselves in a way they can't take back later because it's too late.

I know that no one has lived or is living a perfect life. Every family, couple or individual has their problems, unhealthy vices or skeletons in their closets that you hide in front of everyone. Whatever you choose to call them, it can only be a matter of time before your conditions surface. Our mental illnesses or disorders affects how we think, feel and act.

Suffering from mental illness and depression is like constantly battling trying to mask pain with alcohol or other drugs - One's a devil, one keeps driving you insane, at times you can wonder if they aren't both the same. Then you turn around and see that now one's a liar that helps hide you from your pain and the other is a long hard bitter truth that you don't want to accept. You hurt yourself to see if you still feel. Again, its a dark, eerie and sometimes scary place that you can't get out of, but when there's an opportunity to fix it, you're so far gone that you don't want to. You become numb to the isolation.

Some days hurt more than others. You want to do nothing but hide from the world. In your bed, you sleep for days on end and wake up and have no recollection or feeling for the time that has passed, the responsibilities you had to pass on to someone else or that while you're locking away from everything and everyone, the world is still turning.

Your emotions go from extremely happy and in love with life to unbearably, deeply saddened and all that heals is your vices of a bottle of Jack Daniels, cigarettes and the hardwood floor you cried yourself to sleep on. Your bottle is all dressed up in a pretty black label, like sweet salvation on the dining room table waiting for when you get numb and meet your lonely, hidden stage. Your skin hurts, even to the gentlest touch, and what you feel is left of your heart is in your stomach and your stomach is in knots. The feelings and thoughts of wishing you were the Tin Man cross your mind. You see him in the movies wishing he had a heart but how you wish you could give him yours. Reality being, the Tin Man doesn't know how lucky he is cause if he ever felt one breaking, he'd never want a heart. He isn't missing anything cause life and love are so damn hard. If he traded you his armor for your heart and feelings - happy and sad - he could have it.

You feel reckless, tangled in your messes, your own chaos. "You can throw the line but can't reel it in. You can throw the darts but not make them stick. You can write the lines but not sing the song. You'll always call your mama but you won't go "home." You don't give two shits no more - so you say." Cause deep down, you really don't because what difference would it make? You don't have the nerves to use your heart in anything because your worthless, hopeless and sad feelings overpower everything else. You just give up and the bird that you were flying south for the winter, just kept flying more and more south and you lose sight on where or what you're even doing anymore...

- ALWAYS KNOW THE 5 SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL SUFFERING- 

1. Personality Change - The personality changes. The person does not feel like themselves. You may notice sudden or gradual changes in the way that someone typically behaves. He or she may behave in ways that don't seem to fit the person's values, or the person may just seem different.

2. Agitation - The person can or will get uncharacteristically angry, anxious, agitated or moody. You may notice the person has more frequent problems controlling his or her temper and seems irritable or unable to calm down. People in more extreme extreme situations of this kind may be unable to sleep or may explode in anger at a minor problem.

3. Withdrawal - The person will withdraw or isolate themselves from other people. Someone who used to be socially engaged may pull away from family and friends and stop taking part in activities he or she used to enjoy. In more sever cases, the person may start failing to make it to work or school. Not to be confused with the behavior of someone who is more introverted, this sign is marked by a change in someone's typical sociability, as when someone pulls away from the social support he or she typically has.

4. Poor Self Care - The person with stop taking care of themselves and may engage in dangerous or risky behavior. You may notice a change in the person's level of personal care or an act of poor judgement on his or her part. For instance, someone may let his or her personal hygiene deteriorate, or the person may start abusing alcohol or illicit substances or engaging in other self-destructive behavior that may alienate loved ones.

5. Hopelessness - The person wills seem overcome with hopelessness and overwhelmed by their circumstances. Have you noticed someone who used to be optimistic and now can't find anything to be happy or hopeful about? That person may be suffering from extreme or prolonged grief, or feelings of worthlessness or guilt. People in this situation may say that the world would be better off without them, suggesting suicidal feelings or thinking.

At this moment, I feel okay, this moment is heavy. Like a caged bird that's barely set free, so forgive me - I'm finding my wings.

"You can learn to love anything, even a bird in a cage will sing a song. Even if it's wrong, even if it kills you in the end. You can learn to love anything, a prison wall, a ball and chain - anything can bring you pleasure. Even pain. So pick your Poison." -George Strait.

If you or a loved one are suffering for mental illness/ emotional suffering, take the pledge in The Campaign to Change Direction at www.changedirection.org

xoxoxo,
-S

*Featured Lyrics: "I'm No Stranger to the Rain" by Keith Whitley. I'm No Stranger to the Rain, Written by Ron Hellard and Sonny Curtis is the fifth and final single from Whitley's "Don't Close Your Eyes" 1989 album, the last during Whitley's lifetime. (C) 1989  RCA Records Nashville, a distribution of Sony Music Nashville. Keith Whitley appears courtesy of RCA Records Nashville until his untimely death in May 1989.

*Featured Lyrics: "Use My Heart" by Miranda Lambert. Use My Heart, Written by Miranda Lambert, Ashley Monroe and Waylon Payne is the twelfth track on Disc One of Lambert's 2017 ACM and CMA winning, sixth studio album, "The Weight of These Wings." (C) 2016 RCA Records Nashville, a distribution of Sony Music Nashville. Miranda Lambert appears courtesy of RCA Records Nashville. 

*Featured Video: "Fire Away" by Chris Stapleton. Fire Away, Written by Chris Stapleton and Danny Green is featured as the second track on Stapleton's Certified Gold studio album, "Traveler." (C) 2016 Mercury Records, a Division of UMG Recordings, Inc. Chris Stapleton appears courtesy of Mercury Nashville. 

*Featured Lyrics: "Poison" by George Strait. Poison, Written by Allan Shamblin and Chuck Cannon is featured as the fourth track on Strait's 27th studio album, "Here For a Good Time." (C)  2011 MCA Nashville, a Division of UMG Recordings, Inc. George Strait appears courtesy of MCA Records.

Pushin' Time

After a couple months of writing hiatus, I am back to share more life with you readers. I apologize for the break but SO MUCH has happened in the time that has passed and I haven't had much time to keep you updated. Well, here we go!

Since last posting about the love triangle I always found myself in as a child, I am now here creating another triangle. A triangle that my daughter has now found herself in. But I am happy to say that this triangle is one full of love for her and she understands how much she is loved and cared for. 

Adding to the "crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful beautiful life" we had, that "almost magic" shined some love on us. Baby Girl and I gained a special man into our lives as more than just Mommy's friend. 

Well, I never looked at this photo and what it captured closely enough, but looking at it now, I see what was truly photographed. Back when this photo was taken, this man and I were just friends. Just friends that turned into the best friends. I was told that you could see an unborn chemistry between us and that maybe time would tell what would happen between the two of us. Here we were, 6 years later, and this man was not just my best friend anymore.

Last July, I hadn't seen him in awhile but we had talked daily so I had just shot him a text and said, "Hey, what are you up to, you should meet Baby Girl and I for lunch." He accepted and met us for lunch. Now, mind you I always heard he had feelings for me but we never acknowledged them. Mainly because I was too busy flying by the seat of my pants to settle down and thought everyone was bluffing. I knew what I wanted but was too busy being young, wild spirited and well, an idiot to even just settle it down and make him talk to me about it. 

Well this handsome man shows up and we make eye contact walking towards each other, but just when he smiled at me, I lose my breath. Why? What was this feeling that had come over me? Why was I losing my mind and for the first time, I freeze and not know what to do? 

I'll tell you why.

Because in that very moment, I knew that I wanted him and no one else. 

He proceeds to say "hello" and we hug. Ok, now that hug sealed the deal. The way he approached me. The way he held me when he hugged me. The way I felt so complete in his arms. THAT'S the exact moment that I knew I not only wanted him, I needed him. 

We proceed to have a great lunch together and then after I got home, I felt it was completely necessary to make him talk to me about this chemistry. I needed to know if he still felt it. If he still had feelings for me more than friends like I was now mutually feeling. I needed to know if there was still and ever a chance we could explore the option of being together... I. JUST. HAD. TO. KNOW. I was not going to let this man get away from me again. 

And I say 'again' because a few months prior, this man had briefly dated someone. Well,even though I was not right in my mind and seeing someone else as well, it still infuriated me that he was with someone. Now I realize that it's not fair of me to be upset because he was with someone, while he has seen me in 2 relationships in our 6 years of friendship, but this one really got to me. Like it was a real thing that I could lose him. I was not about that life. 

Much to my surprise, he tells me that he was over the moon about spending time together and that he'd be honored to see where this goes. 

So after a month or so of being crazy busy with our careers, we fall off the radar with talking, texting or whatever. I wasn't having it. I was serious about not losing him this time. If I ever had a chance, the chance was now... So, I texted him. I demanded that if we were going to spend time together for this, then we're doing it. We were going to make time, damn it. Who knew if I was so assertive about it, it would persuade him to say "Ok, we are."

We spent some time together and went on numerous dates over the next month and after dealing with a stressful matter, we were sitting together one fall night and I told him that I was happy with how things were going. He was thrilled and that was the night we decided we were going to live this life together, side by side, hand in hand.

We have been through so many things in our friendship and we are both proud to say that we've never even gotten into a fight for any reason. This man has been my best friend over the years and has always had mine and my daughter's best interests at heart. No matter what life throws at us, we always take a second to cherish the little things. All the stress, worries and heartaches of the world go away when we are all together. 

I still can't wrap my head around what he sees in me, nor does he about me in him, but seeing each other smile makes us happier than the other will ever realize. We might get tired, stressed or sad... But knowing we have each other's back no matter what, we will always be able to pull through. I'm so blessed to have him as not only my best friend, but my partner. We have started a new chapter in our friendship and we are beyond excited to see what the pages of our story will tell.

"They say only time can tell, but you already know me well. If it has to end in tears, I hope it's in sixty years." -Miranda Lambert.

xoxoxo,
-s