Friday, July 26, 2013

Just Carryin On That Ol' Family Tradition

Well its been awhile since I submitted an entry, but life happens... The month of July was a busy month. The Roomie and I decided to part ways and make other living arrangements. We came to the realization that we both lead very different lives and werent compatible in living together. It wasnt cause I hated her or thought she was horrible, I just think it was best for both of us are at different points in our lives and have our lives to live. "People are people and sometimes it doesnt work out."

 Shortly after the Roomie moved out, it was onto my next project and getting the kiddo ready to go camping with my family for a week. Cow Camp is the best time of the year for our family and it is such a special tradition. This tradition has been in my family since my Dad was a kid and its amazing seeing pictures and videos from when Dad was young til now. There are so many memories that were made in this special place and I cant wait to make more.

It is a week long trip that usually takes place during the last full week of July. Its out in the Deschutes National Forest out passed Sun River, at Cow Meadow on Snow Creek, in the heart of surrounding lakes and reservoirs, Crane Prairie, North & South Twin Lake, Lava Lake and O'Dell Lake. We do our volunteer work for Oregon Dept. of Fish & Wildlife (ODFW) and its the best thing. Maintaining the Wood Duck Box Project and other wildlife habitats is project that means so much to me and will spend my life doing. Everything about Cow Camp is so important to me and its located in the most beautiful place I have ever seen and its the one place that I would love to spend my life in; out in the high desert with the forest summers covered in wildflowers in the and blanketed in snow in the winter.

This trip is planned all year long and takes my family weeks to pack for. Starting on the 2nd or 3rd week of July, my parents, siblings and I start clearing space in the garage and Dad goes up to the attic to our designated "Cow Camp" section and starts handing down all the gear. Once we have all the gear tucked away in the garage, we go to Papa's and typically help him get his gear ready if someone else hasnt already done so. Mind you, my Dad is the youngest and is the only boy out of all his siblings so I think its just a bond that Papa and Dad share as to why Dad likes to do it.

After all our gear is set aside and Papa's is taken care of, its time to go out and get our 5th wheel. The 5th wheel is parked in the driveway for the 3rd week of the month so we can get it loaded and ready for the biggest week of our lives.

The night prior to departure is always the CRAZIEST, most hectic day/night. Mom and I usually do last minute shopping for groceries, bug spray and anything else that is needed for the trip. It is an all day thing, trust me. Then when we get home, its time to make sure everything is packed up and loaded into the trucks and into the 5th wheel then in the morning, its Hi Ho, Hi Ho, its off to Cow Camp we go!

For the last 3 years, I have been unable to make the trip, which is... depressing. I have missed it due to having to work and not having the time to take off to go, so Baby Girl has gone with Mom & Dad while I stay home to work and I call her every night.

It was a busy month of July, but some things that I have wanted and needed in my personal and family life for a long time are falling back into place. ;]

Now I am setting plans for a [hopefully] bright and promising future.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Who You'd Be Today

Dear Scotty,
 
Its been 2 years and I just want to say that I'm so honored that I got the pleasure in knowing you and I'll be a better person because of that.
 
You always put others before yourself and you always set the example of how people should treat one another. You had a huge heart and genuinely cared about everyone you knew, especially your mama and your sisters. They are in my prayers always, especially today. I cant imagine how they must be feeling, losing someone they loved so much but I can only pray for them that thier hearts find comfort.

"It aint fair you died to young like a story that had just begun but death tore the pages all away. God knows how I miss you. All the hell that I been through just knowing no one could take your place. Sometimes I wonder Who You'd Be Today."

I'll never forget the day I met you and all the good times we had goofing around at school- like the time in foods class where we used to use food coloring to dye our foods to make the teacher mad... Or all the times you would give me the biggest high five followed by a hug while you were drenched (and I mean drenched) in sweat after your football games. 

You always had the greatest sense of humor. You made always made me laugh til I cried and my stomach was aching, and now I cry cause you were lost too soon.
 
We all miss you so much and we all still cant believe you're gone.
 
I know you will always be looking down on all of us, watching over the many lives you touched and we'll always be looking up at you to guide us. You will ALWAYS have that special place in our heart cause where in this world will we find another Scotty.
 
"Even though you're gone, we're still a team and through your family we'll fulfill your dreams" and I know whatever any of us do and wherever any of us go, you'll ALWAYS be with us.
 
Rest in Peace Sweet Angel and WE ALL still LOVE YOU VERY VERY VERY MUCH. <3

Thursday, June 20, 2013

High On Summertime

 "Summertime is finally here-
That old ballpark, man, is back in gear,
out on 49, man I can see the lights.

School's out and the nights roll in,
man, just like a long lost friend,
You ain't seen in a while, I can't help but smile.

And it's two bare feet on the dashboard, young love and an ol' Ford, cheap shades and a tattoo and a Yoo-Hoo bottle on the floorboard.

Perfect song on the radio, sing along 'cause it's one we know-
It's a smile, it's a kiss, it's a sip of wine, it's summertime! Sweet summertime."
-Kenny Chesney.

Whenever Oregon decides to have more summerlike weather, you can bet that I will have my butt outside, runnin round, having a blast trying to start and finish my summertime "to do" list.

On my agenda, I have included all the things that I, Babygirl and the Roomie want to do.

For instance, Babygirl would love to go to the park and eat ice cream, go to the beach and play in the water and go to the farmer's markets. [Simple enough, right?]

The Roomie would love to go on her dad's boat and spend days in the sun at the lake, go to baseball games, beach trips with bonfires, and all the things I myself would like to do.

Now, with THAT being said, here is my list: I would love to take Babygirl to the park, beach and farmer's markets. Thats a done deal, no questions asked. We WILL be doing that. However, I am also adding the lake trips, baseball games, bonfires/fire pits in the backyard, camping, floating the river, getting tattoos, throwing Babygirl and my neice's 5th double birthday bash, American Graffiti, St. Paul Rodeo, the fair and a concert or two to the list.

All this WILL be getting done, no if's and's or but's. Beach/lake trips, baseball games, farmer's market and camping and a big birthday party are easy-peasy so I have no doubt in my mind we will be doing them.

I really want to attempt getting to go floating, go to the fair (to see my man Kip Moore in concert, of course lol), go to the rodeo to celebrate my favorite holiday, the Fourth of July. Nothin says "Happy Birthday America" like a damn good rodeo and I also want to get a couple more tattoo's to this canvas called a body lol. Its actually really theraputic for me and its just something I want to do for myself.

"My body is my journal. My tattoo's are my story." -Johnny Depp.
 
I didnt get to do a whole lot last summer. I worked all summer long and my days off were in the middle of the week, stupid retail. I worked for Fred Meyer and I was always closing. Frustrating and it made it hard to be able to do anything fun during the summer with friends and family...
 
I missed out on our annual family camping trip in the Deschutes forest. I missed out on family barbeques. I missed floating the river. I missed the rodeo. I missed the fair... I missed literally EVERYTHING.
 
I missed all the fun functions but what I didnt miss out on were the two people who ever meant the entire world to me when I got home. I would come home and they would be laying down in their beds, waiting up for Mommy to come home. They'd always welcome me with hugs and kisses and excitement that I was home. It made it all worth it... Knowing that someone was waiting up for me and glad that I was home to be with them means more than they will ever know. I miss that.
 
I missed alot last summer and it sucked until I came home to my loving, happy home. I dont want to miss out on anything this summer. I dont want to have someone else taking Babygirl to all these fun things and I have to miss out on them. I have a better, non-retail, set scheduled, big people job now. I want to be there with my little one and our pup when we do all these fun things and I will be. You dont know how much that excites me. I am literally... STOKED!
 

I have big plans and I will post as each one gets completed off my list. I definately look forward to this summer and spending it with the ones I love most.

Here's to Summer 2013!

#Summer2013 #SweetSummertime #SummerLovin #HighOnSummertime <3

Friday, June 14, 2013

Over You


"Even though I can't touch your face, I feel you with me everyday and I wish you could see all my dreams coming true."

My beautiful angel graced me with her presence when I was born. There isnt a memory I have that doesnt have her in it. She was my grandmother, my mother, my teacher, my coach, my cheerleader. She raised us. She was there since DAY ONE and always made sure we were taken care of.

Gramma taught me that you work hard for what you get and you pray about EVERYTHING. Pray through hard times, through good times, to give thanks, etc. Everything you do, you pray about it. She was a woman of God and always treated everyone equally. She would wake up at 5 AM every morning to pray. Pray for an hour, then make my sisters and I our oatmeal breakfast then take us outside to wait for our schoolbus. We would wave goodbye to her as she stood on the sidewalk watching the bus round the corner up the road, then she would always be in the EXACT same spot when we got off the bus.

Summertime, she would always wash the laundry and the homemade blankets she made herself from a million different patches of materials she had saved for ages. She never let anything go to waste. She would always wear her pretty homemade "muu'muu" and sit outside in the shade and watch us play while singing along to her Samoan tapes, teaching us the songs. As we sang and laughed, she would dance and smile her sweet little wrinkled smile.

As she got older, the laundry became less. The dancing and singing became less...

In and out of hospitals due to her deteriorating health was completely heartbreaking. It was the hardest thing seeing someone you love so much, seeing someone that is so close to you, someone who raised you, in so much pain.

[There are details that I will not, nor will I ever, publically post.]

The real point is- I miss her. I wish she was here. Im glad that she got the chance to see me grow up and meet my little girl for the first 5 years of her life. I miss her being in her room, with her pretty pictures everywhere, Samoan tapes playing and the site of her sitting on her bed in her sundress sewing or reading her Bible. I hit my knees and tell God how much I hurt but there's nothing left of my heart.

 It has been hard to make the new start without her in our lives. When someone you love dies, you don't lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time; like how the mail stops coming. What I remember most to this day was Gramma's scent. How I hated it when it began to disappear and how it no longer lingers. First from her closets, then from her dresses she had sewn herself and then finally from her bedsheets and pillow cases. Its too painful for both of us. For as much as I loved her, I know that everyone else loved/loves her just as much.

"Over You" is the toughest song I can ever listen to. Lyrics explain how everything happened:

"Mid-February shouldn’t be so scary. It was only December; I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me..." We lost her in February and Decemeber was our last Christmas with her til the day after Christmas, her health got worse.

"Your favorite records make me feel better cause you sing along with every song. I know you didn’t mean to give them... to me."

I miss her voice and her records and tapes...

"It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone...You went away, how dare you- I miss you. They say I'll be ok but I'm not going to ever get... Over You." -Miranda Lambert.

My Grandmother, My Angel. Been there for us since day one and she is the strongest woman I've ever met. Im better for having known her and I'll always be proud to call her my grandma. To "Baby," I love you so much.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Pearly Whites

Where has the damn time gone? I swear just yesterday my Babygirl was a little bundle with no teeth and a binky...

...Now she is almost 5 years old with a mouthful of chompers.

Our first attempt at toothbrushing occured when she was approx. 3 years old. She wasn't havin it. No way Jose. She loved eating the toothpaste but wouldn't let me brush. As time went by, she started learning "Mommy brushes her teeth" so she struck a little more interest. Let's be honest- Mommy doesnt just brush her teeth. Mommy is straight up obsessed and OCD'ed when it comes to teeth. I will literally take 30 minutes or so to do my teething rituals. Brush, floss, brush, swish. Rinse and repeat...

I had hoped Babygirl would be a bit more interested in her teething rituals since she sees me obsessing over something in my teeth, their not white enough, not straight enough... I need a longer blog post for the things I could say about my "pearly whites."

So here I am with a 5 year old who struggles with interest in dental health and why she has to do it and what happens if you dont brush. I've tried "cooler" toothpaste, charactered toothbrushes... You name it- I've been there, done that. Also tried the mythical stories about what happens if you neglect your dental hygiene:

"Bugs will live in your teeth."

"You're teeth will hurt."

"You're teeth will turn yellow and fall out."

NO MATTER WHAT I say, no motivation. Baby steps, baby steps...

While we call them "baby steps," I'm thinkin we're literally moving slower than snails. I didn't think she was even actually brushing when I would ask her "Are you even really brushing- or just foolin around with the toothpaste?" She yells down the hall that "I AM Mom, I'm almost done."

Here I was seeking motivating tactics for getting her to brush her toofers and underestimating my 5 year old. (Mom of the Year award goes to...)

She went to her check up with her pediatrician and he strongly suggested taking her in for a dental checkup and lets face it. It was time. I scheduled her an appointment with a dentist and she refused to go. (Stubborn kid, dont know where she gets that...)

So I drug her along to her appointment and when we get there, she is PSYCHED enjoying the children's scenery and other children who were going to the dentist as well. From there, she noticed that she was NOT the ONLY child going to get their teeth checked on.
 
She did an AMAZING job and I couldnt have been more proud of her. The dental assistant was so kind, comforting, and put her at ease while showing her all her cool tools that help make your teeth healthy. She didnt cry and calmed down instantly. She thought it was the coolest experience.

All the while, I realized she was brushing her teeth the whole time and she put me in my place when the dentist told me her x-rays came back "perfectly fine, no cavities and keep her brushing."

Say cheeeese! :)

Monday, June 10, 2013

Moving + puppies + kitties = allergies

Oh. Em. Gee. Seriously feeling it today. This weekend rolled by so fast (so I apologize for not posting) and I am ex-haus-ted!

Saturday was a busy day- woke up early and did a Dutch run then went and helped the (new) Roomie pack. I swear, now I remember why I try to reside in one home for a long period of time!

I was in a toss up about whether I wanted to have another roommate because Babygirl and I were so happy on our own- just the two of us. The last roommate and I butted heads too much and I told her it was time for us to part ways. I was also looking to get in a smaller, actual "house" for me and Babygirl. I want a yard for her and Burton, somewhere they can play. Somewhere where we don't have to find "visitor" parking if someone takes my assigned spot. A place that doesn't have neighbors above, to the side and below us...

Emotionally I was happy with just Babygirl, Burton and I. Financially, it was draining me. Every dollar I have goes to rent, groceries, bills. Summer is here and I want to be able to go out and about with the kiddo and the pup. I was happy that I was possibly getting a roommate.

The roommate was in a situation she needed out of and I was needing someone to be a roommate and help with rent payments and things of that nature. Financially it helps us both out and we can build our savings by splitting the cost of rents. I feel at ease right now. My financial stress has lessened so I can actually be able to do things for my little one, like giving her an amazing 5th birthday party for example.

Roomie and I know we arent going to live together forever and that our arrangement is a temporary and month to month thing. Which makes it less stress for her AND me. But move in day was exciting, and all sorts of crazy busy, running back and forth, back and forth. (Thank God she only lived right across the highway!)

Babygirl, the pup and I all went to her house and helped pack. Got some of my moving peeps to come help move the bigger items. It was a crazy, chaotic mad house for us lol. Burton was overwhelmed with all the people and trafficing going throughout the house but he just sat and watched. Move in complete!

 

Now it was followed by news of a grand-daddy's heart attack, a barbeque and then a farewell get together for a "Schwab Boy." I felt on edge, paranoid about "Big Papa" as kiddo and I call him. He is my only grandparent left and he is so important to our family. Everytime he gets sick, I worry. He is one of the most sweetest, genuine, giving people I have ever had the honor in knowing. I just got word that he is doing well and is waiting for results on his "nuke" test. We're praying hard and thanks for your prayers everyone, please keep them comin! <3

I was a mix of sadness but happy as well- I was excited that I had summer's first barbeque and I actually grilled on the barbequer! Who'da thunk I could barbeque chicken and not set the place on fire lol.

Also the "farewell party" was lots of laughs, yelling and intoxication BUT best wishes to the "Schwab Boy" who is moving on to bigger things and beginning his life's next chapter! We all hope that things work out for him and that he has the best of luck.

Allergies then attacked and have been a constant 3 days of sheer HELL. Between the flowers, dust in moving, Burton and Roomie's kitty, Kilo, I am all out of whack and was a nervous, emotional roller coaster wondering how Papa's doing. Sunday was day at the park, our day of rest. Very uneventful and just lounged around.

Now here it is Monday energy drained and sleep deprived at my desk. Allergies have attacked the girls here at work too, so it will be a very quiet day...
A much needed, quiet day indeed.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Relief for Those Fly Over States?


On the afternoon of May 20, 2013, an EF5 tornado, with peak winds estimated at 210 miles per hour struck Moore, Oklahoma and surrounding areas. The tornado killed 23 people and injured about 377 others. The tornado was part of a larger weather system that had produced several other tornadoes over the previous two days. The tornado stayed on the ground for a horrifying 39 minutes over a 17-mile damage path, crossing through a heavily populated section of Moore. The tornado was 1.3 miles wide at its peak. Despite the tornado following a roughly similar track to the even deadlier 1999 Briar Creek to Moore twister and very few homes and neither of the stricken schools had purpose-built storm shelters. Between 12,000 and 13,000 homes were destroyed or damaged, and 33,000 lives were affected.[Most areas in the path of the storm suffered catastrophic damage. Entire subdivisions were obliterated, and houses were flattened in a large swath of the city. The majority of a neighborhood just west of the Moore Medical Center was destroyed. Witnesses said the tornado more closely resembled "a giant black wall of destruction" than a typical twister...
  
President Obama declared a major disaster in the state, ordering federal aid to the affected and Obama visited the disaster-stricken areas on May 26.

On May 29, NBC had aired Healing in the Heartland: Relief Benefit Concert, a fundraising concert hosted by country superstar Blake Shelton, an Oklahoma native. Blake and Miranda gave a very emotional performance on The Voice singing Miranda's multiple award winning hit, "Over You," which the couple had written together.

Blake's wife, Miranda Lambert, another Oklahoma native tweeted, “Pray. That’s all we can do. Pray for peace for Oklahoma.”

Other featured performances included Reba McEntire, Darius Rucker, Luke Bryan. The concert raised more than $6 million for the United Way of Central Oklahoma.

Carrie Underwood, a proud native of Checotah, Oklahoma had given a VERY generous gift to help victims in Oklahoma, her homestate. http://bit.ly/underwoodoklahomarelief Carrie stepped forward to help out her home state after the devastating tornado that struck on May 20th. The ‘Blown Away’ singer has donated a pretty penny to the American Red Cross.

“I have watched the devastation in my home state of Oklahoma over the past several days with great sadness,” Underwood says. “With the help of my fans who attended my concerts over the past year, we can offer the Red Cross a little extra help in comforting those affected by the recent tornadoes," Carrie said.

 I realized that this catastropic tragedy jeopardized so many lives in the heart of this country. It really made me realize how fortunate I am and that I am really and truly... BLESSED.

You never really recognize what you have and what fortunes you have until you lose it, or watch someone else lose everything from the sidelines. It's sad to think that some people are never satisfied with anything they have or are given. Always wanting more more more trying to keep up with "the Jones'" while someone somewhere is losing their job, their car, their home... It breaks my heart to see that this twister took everything from these poor victims. Farmers who work so hard for a living day in and day out just to see that a twister took all that they hold dear and spent their life working for.

Say a prayer for the lives who were devastated by the storm in Moore before you lay your head down in a comfortable bed, in your warmed home; two things so many victims in Oklahoma have lost. I can't stop thinking about them and all that they've lost.

 I'm very thankful to have my little home with a warm bed and a roof over my head with a healthy daughter and little Burton to love. Never take what ya got for granted cause someone, somewhere is wishin they were as fortunate you are. Please find it in your heart to make a donation to American Red Cross to help those in need during this tragic and difficult time.

"On the plains of Oklahoma, with a windshield sunset in your eyes like a watercolored painted sky, you'll think heaven's doors have opened. Then you'll understand why God made those Fly Over States." -Jason Aldean.

Donate today to help the victims of Oklahoma! Call 1-800-HELP-NOW or click today at redcross.org. You can also help donate by clicking the link below:
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/05/20/help-tornado-victims/2344493/

Every little bit helps and a little can go a long way!
 

❤#Pray #Donate #AmericanRedCross #PrayForOklahoma #MooreOK



Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Beautiful, Brown Eyed, Brindle Boy!

This is by far the most exciting thing that has happened to me in a long time. Granted I had pups growing up. Ya know, the family dog. Never my own dog.

I think my desire to have my own dog kicked in a couple years ago but didnt really sink in as a "start looking and go get one" desire til this last January. 2013 started off rough for me and I started feeling a void. I lost my childhood dog, Baylee, a grumpy fluffball pomeranian that we had since I was in 4th grade. How the hell old are you in 4th grade and I'm 25 now, hmm. Oh well, whatever. We had him a LONG time lol. He was old and his health was deteriorating and never got any better. Best choice for him was to let him go. And we did. I was always connected to that dog, we just had that special bond. Even though he was the "family" dog, he always took to me. Once he was gone, I didn't have a dog anymore.
Then I was in the middle of a living situation that ended somewhat messy. Stresser! Then at the same time I had my first surgery (EVER) to remove a cyst on my left ovary and it was sheer and utter HELL. I was on bedrest forever and it sucked. So loss of my special friend, Baylee, then a surgery? Way to pull a double wammy..

As if the loss of Baylee and a portion of my ovary wasnt enough, I then lost the most special woman in my life (besides my mama) on the first of February. I was and still am really upset over it and I will never get over a loss like that. She raised me and my sisters and COUNTLESS others in my family. She was like my second mother and was there for my sisters and I since DAY ONE.

I felt this huge gapeing hole in my heart and I just couldn't deal. It was like Strike One, Strike Two, Strike Three, YOU'RE OUT. I felt that I had struck out in this part of that life mumbo jumbo I was talking about in the previous post.

My mom said I really didn't need a dog- too expensive, no time, etc. I don't think anyone but me understood how bad I wanted to have another dog, but this time, mine and Babygirl's dog. I wanted a four legged companion since I had lost my Baylee, my ovary, and my Grandmother and I just wanted my dream to have my own pet to come true. Babygirl had been begging me as well to have her own furry, four legged friend. She is an only child and I am her only playmate. I thought that if she would be happy with a little friend of her own.

It was just time.

I looked and looked and looked some more. Stalking Craig's List ads, PetFinder and Oregon Humane Society websites just looking for the perfect pup to own.

Miraculously, I found Burton. A young chick in town had a dog that had a litter of 5 Rott/Pit/Blue Heeler mix pups that are 2 months old. She was asking a price that I just could not pass up. I texted her and spoke with her about buying one of her pups. Sadly, my first pic was rehomed right after I texted her. Then my second choice (Burton) was still up for grabs. Well perfect- only not. I had to wait til payday to come 3 days after I initially texted her. It was a 50/50 chance that she'd still have him by then. (___Insert more life crap here___).

Well. Payday day came around (money, money, money... MONEY!) and I figured "What the hell, I'll just text her for sh!ts and giggles and see if she has him still." What was the worst she was gonna say? That he was gone already? If he was, I'd still be in the same ship and rerouting to find my missing treasure.

"He's still here."

I read in amazement and went right to her house with one of my besties to go get him. Uh-maze-ing! I was ecstatic and on cloud nine. I went to go get him and surprised Babygirl with him and we took him home. He took his first bath and did so well. Ate some grub and went on potty break. Bed time after ward on his little camo blanket (my dog for sure with that camo!) and his duckie to shred (For all us Oregon State fans, Pluck the Ducks & Go Beavs!). He is so mellow, quiet and cuddly and Babygirl loves him so much. He's her little "Piggy Wiggy" as she likes to call him. Freakin cute!

Day #2 and he is still just as sweet as ever. We have lots of puppy training in the works. :)

Who I Am

First and foremost, let me just say: Thank you for viewing my page. I'm new to the whole blogging scenario but since my family lives all over the continental US and we don't always get to talk and I seem to be a focus and interest of some friends/relative's attention and well...

Here. I. am!

The whole blogging idea seemed rather 50/50 with and without perks for me cause let's face it. I run out of ideas to write, rant and rave about and I tend to be a VERY private person. I don't really like to broadcast my life on the web but I was a Journalism major in high school, so obviously I liked to write, broadcast, storytell, blah blah blah... In that case, it was a little different because I knew what I was going to or what I was "mandated" to write about. Not so much the case here...

SO. With THAT being said, this post is just gonna be a bunch bullsh!t about me, my life, and my happinesses. (TRY not to get bored!)

 "I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters. Not the mortgage, not the score, not my team and all their bullshit... For those 10 seconds or less, Im free..."

My story is a big chaotic race on this long stretch of highway called "Life."

First off- Forrest Gump taught me a valuable lesson BESIDES the fact that we all know that life is like a box of chocolates... He taught be that "I dont know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floatin around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe its both, maybe its both happening at the same time."

My destiny came to me at age 20. I am a single mother of the most beautiful, most amazing little girl. She is the light of my life, my pride and joy. She is my one and only, once in a lifetime- love. I was scared because I didn't know if I could be a good mom. Life threw me a curve ball when I'm a high and outside, fastball hitter. I made my choices and made my fair share of mistakes but guess what. I'm human. I didn't know it when I had her but I was destined to be her mama. I got the best gift out of it and I couldn't imagine a life without her. I think most of the time, I think I need her more than she needs me. She's a sassy little pistol and has an attitude a country mile wide. Mighty big talk for some little britches. I love watching her grow day by day and every day she learns something new. She's so smart and the funniest little thing. I love her with my whole heart and don't know who or what I would be if she weren't in my life. Thank God for all I've missed cause it lead me here to this.

When I was a kid bee-boppin around, raisin Cain on horse farms and in a small town with my boy cousins and my mechanic of a dad workin on cars, I realized that wanted to be a NASCAR driver. I have a lead foot, total need for speed- and as all of my dad's side of the family knows (if they didn't, they know now lol) its just in our blood. But then, sadly, I grew up and had to think like a grown up. I learn when I was four years old that while watching 8 Seconds (one of my all time favorite movies) that Lane Frost tells us "Dont be afraid to go after what you want to do and what you want to be, but dont be afraid to be willing to pay the price." But what good ol' Lane didn't say outloud but said through his actions was "you can do what you want to do until it's time to start thinking about what you were MEANT to do." SO- what I was meant to do was going to school for Law Enforcement/ Criminal Justice to become a police officer or homicide detective; but having a small child prevented that from happening. Ya know, that "life" crap. So I work for a mortgage company and I. LOVE. IT. It is the best job I've ever had and I can't say nothing but positive things about it. So there you have it, a single, full time working mom with no husband. I'll just work my butt off and let love find me later cause 'Ain't nobody got time fo dat!'

I'm a mom. A career woman. A daughter. A grand-daughter. A sister. A neice. A cousin. A friend... I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. I have my dictions, I keep my share of secrets and things you'll never see. I get selfish and defensive and pay too much attention to my insecurities. My heart breaks for the homeless and less fortunate. I worry about my parents. All my bills are late. I laugh at silly movies, tear up when I see babies and I'm stubborn as a stone. I criticize my body, but I'm just like everybody else. I try to love Jesus and myself. I don't know what you believe or what you think of what you see. But this is a part of me, of what I do and who I am. I'm not made of stone, iron and nails, 10 foot tall and bulletproof. I hurt, I cry and I bleed too. All of my impurities are right here on my sleeve. THIS IS ME. Point being, I KNOW who I am and who I am not. I love scuffed up cowboy boots & broke in tore up jeans. A four wheel drive, eight point bucks & Rocky Road ice cream. Hell yes I love my dog and I love Jack D in my Coke.

I'm happy with what I have. I live to love and love to live. My happiness is what I make it. YOU make YOUR OWN happiness based on WHAT YOU need and WANT for your life no matter what ANYBODY says. Never let someone tell you "you can't" or "you aren't good enough." That should tell you more about who they are and what kinda "happy" they are.

I have who I am, I am who my babygirl is, I am who my family is.

What I need and want is this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautiful life. <3